The MidShip Report©: 

Winter GetAway

[by john miller; John-M1 @ ML1media.com]

It’s here. Winter officially arrived on a Saturday. Of course, nature doesn't own a calendar and delivered BUCKETS of Winter a few weeks earlier. Which meant the only rear wheel drive vehicle leaving the garage was a snowthrower. Still, all is not lost. Occasionally, nature throws us a ‘teaser‘ day. The type where the snow is off the roads far enough to not worry about it being thrown across the front of the Boxster, the salt piles left on the streets have mostly dissipated, the Sun comes out long enough to bring the temperature up past the BRUTAL mark, and reminds us what it looked like weeks ago when it went into hiding. “Break out the Porsche!” Immediately, what follows, are reminders of why I don’t drive the car in the winter……what I refer to as “Winter. Getaway”. Those are two separate concepts. I’m not referring to a short vacation someplace warm (although I’m NEVER opposed to that). No, I’m observing that: 1). Its Winter, and 2). Get AWAY --- an exclamation (usually) shouted at lazy, incompetent, reckless drivers that threaten the unmarred existence of my Boxster. Sometimes, there are hand and arm gestures. Allow me to relate some road observances I’ve made in the last three weeks.

The ‘mispainted’ body part: You’ve seen this car. A nice maroon colored Chevy or Buick…but what’s that stark WHITE quarter panel doing there? Or the RED door panel? Yes. Damage evidence. You don’t want to know why its there, only KNOW that it was the result of some incident. Get Away.

The mismatched wheels: Less obvious, but worthy of note. Is there a different wheel (and tire) on the front than the rear (and it’s not a snow tire)? Is it even the same size?? And what would your driving adventures be without the BONEHEAD whipping down a recently snow-covered road at speed over 50mp with that lone stow-away/mini spare precariously mounted to the front of that accident-in-waiting. Don’t stay close enough to find out. Get Away.

The PINBALL: This can be enjoyed from a distance, if only for a second or two….. this is the lane drifter…often wearing the afore-mentioned mis-matched body part, that can’t manage to keep the car in one lane. And they ALWAYS seem to want the center lane, so that they can drift into the left and then right. And then Left, and then Right. ETC. Let them Get Away.

The Stealth Bomber: Don’t even look twice. This is the bozo zipping down the street with no lights—no headlights, no tail lights, no parking lights. Flash your lights at them if you feel compelled, but Get Away from this clod as fast as the law allows.

The Tora Tora Tora Turn Signal: This is the Kamikaze that ambushed you last week. Remember –he/she signaled left (often in the Left lane) and then turned right, usually crossing one or two lanes to get to their exit/turn. Occasionally to add insult, they leave the signal blinking even after the turn. Let them Get Away…perhaps into the path of a police car.

The Ghost Rider: Is there anyone behind the wheel?  This goofball insists on reclining the seat to the point that you can’t even see a person behind the wheel of the car. If you can’t see them, HOW THE @#%%^ WILL THEY SEE YOUR SLEEK, LOW PROFILE Porsche?  Get away from them. Now.

The Banshee: Apparently believes the laws of physics have been suspended for him/her. Often driving a Slammed Japanese import (Fast and Furious Crowd). Has no concept that a small patch of ice will turn them (and you) into a blurb in the Metro section of the newspaper. See: “Senseless Accident” . Get Away….FAST, not furious.

The Stop and Drop: A recent and frequent ‘favorite’ of mine. This halfwit can’t bear to park a few steps away in the cold, so they elect to stop right in the street(i.e. ‘Double Park’) in front of their desired location–often a restaurant with ‘Take-Out’ or a Dry Cleaners. This forces you into the oncoming lane (assuming you don’t wish to see if/when they may return to their car). Cayenne drivers are encouraged to drive OVER them. The rest of must merely get around and Get Away from them.

Sound REVERSE: One of the worst. This person missed their turn/exit ramp/destination, so they feel it only natural to put the car in Reverse and back up against the flow of traffic to where they wanted to be/turn (if they had a brain that functioned). There’s a good reason the general public (that would be ME), isn’t allowed to purchase a Bazooka. Get Away immediately.

The Crop Duster: A winter fixture. The snow is cleared off the road, the temps have risen a bit, and yet, there’s some deficient who couldn’t spend an extra 30 seconds pushing the accumulated snow off the roof or trunk of their vehicle. And they merrily leave a trail of fine white snow dust as they zip down the road, completely oblivious to the mess it causes behind them. Every now and then you get a ‘special’ bonus when a large flat piece of ice gets caught by the airflow and lifts off their car to flutter before your clean, unblemished windshield. Get Away early and often.

Yes, you’re more likely to see me in the BIG Red Truck instead of the Boxster during the winter months.
It has four wheel drive, excellent visibility, ABS, and gives me a much higher comfort and safety level. However,
that doesn’t explain why last week I was sideways, up on the parkway of a sidestreet, about 24 inches from a stop sign.
You can’t just check your vehicles operation in the snow, you really have to test it to know it. I went out in a very sloppy snowstorm. I tested the brakes, twice, as I approached stop signs to get a feel for the ABS activating and the stopping distance. Unfortunately, my third ‘test’ was on a slight downhill, and the cross street was a busy 4-lane. I couldn’t be 100% certain the ABS would stop me before I entered the intersection, so I flung it sideways and jumped the curb. No harm…except to my ego. I turned around and drove a few blocks worth of ABS tests---real, jump on the brakes at 25mph and take note of how far it takes to stop in snow and sleet tests. This is a lot like the brake test/exercise that the Porsche Club does at the Autocross school every spring –you can’t just ‘get the feel’ for how the brakes work, you have to know reasonably well that your car (or truck) will stop with in a given distance, from a given speed, in a given situation.

Winter Getaway:
One thought, not two. I’m on a plane in less than 36 hours to Las Vegas. I’ll be spending the week at the CES –Consumer Electronics Show…which doesn’t sound all that much car related---but it is. They are HEAVILY featuring in-car electronics this year and have special sections for mobile media. They even have the President-CEO of GM giving the closing speech…that is, closing for the CES show, not for GM…not yet, anyway. Look for full coverage here next month and check The MidShip Report© online for expanded coverage/photos at WWW.MIDSHIP.ML1Media.com

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